Along the same lines as this one:A dot bossman gets to the job with his crew and realizes they have left their shovels back at the shop.He calls his boss and tells him and the boss says thats ok I’ll bring them to you.What do we do until then the guy says , to which his boss replies"Ya’ll just lean on each other till I get there".
you didn’t tell any jokes like that at the social?
I was too bashful, wait 'til next time. I’ve got a good one I probably can’t tell here.
An old gal bought a pair of parrots at the pet store, and once home with them all they would say is " Hi, were hookers, wanna have some fun?" She tried and tried to teach these 2 birds to say something else to no avail. Her priest was visiting one day and that was the greeting the parrots gave the priest. She told the priest about her dilema and he told her that, he in fact, had a couple parrots himself. He had his trained to sit in the cage and pray all day while holding rosary beads. He suggested that maybe she should bring her two birds over to his house the next day and they would put her parrots in with his and maybe they could influence her birds. So the next day she shows up at the priest’s house, and sure enough his two birds, Francis and Robert are holding their rosaries and praying away. The priest then places the woman’s parrots in with his, and there is deathly silence from all 4 birds. After a couple minutes, all of a sudden the ladies two parrots break out with " Hi, were hookers, wanna have some fun?" With that Robert says" Put the roseries down Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
This guy is out one day riding his harley when he sees a dog attacking a small child. He skids to a stop, lays the bike down, grabs the dog around the neck and chokes the life out of him. A man runs up, snaps a picture and says" I saw the whole thing! I work for the paper and tommorrow the headline will read YAMAHA RIDER SAVES LITTLE BOYS LIFE. " The man exclaims “I don’t ride no Yamaha man” Reporter says “OK Honda rider” The man says “I dont ride no Honda either” and walks away. The reporter yells" What kind of bike do you ride?" “Harley Davidson” he yells as he rides off. The next morning the headline reads RENAGADE BIKER KILLS FAMILY PET!
Why I Fired My Secretary. . .
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. “Happy Birthday”. And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, "By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. “Let’s go!” We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a
beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable” “Sure!” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there ---- on the couch ----
…naked.
An older gentlemen stopped by the local ladies fine clothing store and told the manager he was getting ready to celebrate his 50th wedding aniversary and he would like the sheerest sexiest nighty they had for his wife’s present - the store manager brought out 3 boxes - the 1st was nice nearly see through and she said it was $100 - the man said sheerer - the next was see through and she said it was $250 - the old man said sheerer - the next one you could not tell she was holding anything up and it was $500 - the old man said wrap it up - as he arrived home he told his wife happy anniversary and gave her the gift and stated why don’t you try it on honey - so excited her husband had remembered their anniversary she ran up stairs and put the box down and stripped naked and walked back to the top of the stairs and asked her husband “what do you think?” the old man rushed over to see and looked and got all upset and began cursing - the wife asked what is wrong honey - the old man replied - “you spend $500 on something looks like at least they would iron it!!!”
crap-king
Guess we missed a good laugh yesterday when crap-king hit that frosty dock.
It wasn’t funny till I knew he wasn’t hurt.
I am just glad there was a 2x4 nailed around the edge to keep me from sliding in the lake - it was bad enough I fell can you imagine if I went into the icy water
crap-king
Hawkman I know you going to be late for work on Wednesday cuz your going to be hiding and waiting to see what I do for an encore performance
crap-king
OK everyone. Another board I belong to has followed my lead, and started a similar thread. Here is a joke from that thread which I got a good laugh from:
THE RABBIT
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it.” The blonde says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?” The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… Are you ready for this?
>> >
>> >
(Are you sure?)
>> >
>> >
(This is bad!)
>> >
>> >
(It’s definitely a Blonde Joke!)
>> >
>> >
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line…)
>> >
>> >
(You know you’re gonna be sorry)
>> >
>> >
(Last chance)
>> >
>> >
(OK, here it is)
>> >
>> >
It says,
>> >
>> >
“Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.”
<,"}/>{ Rippa
Three old buddies were fishing together when an Angel of God appeared before them. The Angel informed the three friends that he was impowered to perform three healing miracles - one for each of them. He asks the first fellow what he would like healed and he informed the Angel that his vision has been poor since childhood. The Angel proceeded to touch him on the forehead and he recieved 20/20 sight. The Angel then asked the second fellow what he would like healed and he informed the Angel that he had a bad hip and was scheduled for hip replacement surgery. The Angel touched him on the head and he was healed. Then the Angel asked the third fellow what he would like healed. The fellow replied DON’T TOUCH ME I’M ON DISABILITY!!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
> > > into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed.
> > >
> > > He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
> > >
> > > While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her
> > > neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
> > >
> > > While he’s in there the husband tells his wife:" Listen, this guys an
> > > escaped convict, look at his clothes!
> > > He probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in
> > > years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
> > >
> > > If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells
> > > you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
> > > This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he’ll kill us.
> > > Be strong honey, I love you."
> > >
> > > To which the wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck, he was
> > > whispering in my ear.
> > > He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any
> > > Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom…
> > >
> > > Be strong honey. I love you too”.
And then there was the plastic surgeon that hung himself.
Every day, I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive. 
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin…
"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
Date Rape Drug Warning
Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called “beer” to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. “Beer” is used by female predators to persuade helpless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these “beers” and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several “beers,” men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life’s savings in a scam called "a relationship. "In extreme cases, females
have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called to this scam once “beer” is administered.
Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male
support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses.
I thought this whole time that something sinister was going on with beer, now i know, thanks Duane for enlightening me to the demon. That was funny, keep em coming.
The CIA had an opening for a new assassin. After all the background checks, interviews & preliminary testing were done the search came down to three finalists, two men & a woman. As a final test the first man was led to a big metal door & handed a gun. He was told “You must prove that you will follow instructions without question or hesitation. Your wife is tied to a chair on the other side of this door, take this gun & kill her.” “Are you crazy?” he replied, “I can’t do that!” “Sorry, we can’t use you”, they told him & sent him home. The next man was told the same thing. After a few minutes he came out crying & said “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t do it.” He too was sent home. The woman was told her husband was tied to a chair in the room & she must kill him. She took the gun, entered the room & immediately a shot rang out, then another, & another. Then after five minutes of cussing, beating, banging, & screaming all was silent. When the door finally opened, the woman came out & said, "You S.O.B.'s didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair!
